My husband and I recently visited a drive-through restaurant. After placing our order, we pulled up to the first window. The young woman opened the window and, without acknowledging us, proceeded to speak to her fellow employee. “Have you started the oil yet?” Silence. “Kyle, start the oil.” Impatient waiting. “Fine, I’ll do it myself.” Woman walks off. “She sounds like a mom,” I remarked. She did. She sounded like a mother. When she returned to the window and gave us her attention, we praised her for doing the job no one was willing to do. In truth, we had mixed feeling about her actions. This restaurant employee represented typical behavior of the role of manager. She was doing her best, but great leadership would follow a different approach.
As mothers and parents in general, we do not want to be managers of our households. We want to be wise and capable leaders, authoritatively guiding our families to be their best selves. An important tool in this process is the interview. Counseling with our children regularly helps establish this mentoring tool as an ongoing vehicle for advisement.
For me, having a regular interview time with my children is a sanity saver. The intermittent interruptions of daily needs from seven different children can be wearing. Even in the most orderly of households, interruptions will continue to occur. “Mom, where are my shoes?” “Mom, he didn’t let me go first.” “Mom, I’m hungry.” But when children know they have a time to address their pressing needs, they can address many of these issues on their own or store those issues up to address at one time. Both are important adulting skills.
I have noticed that when interviews are part of our regular routine, I can also put off much of my input that is often associated with the negatively connoted word nagging. I can take notes on what I think of or notice and deliver it at a time when children are primed to receive it. Because they know I am there primarily to meet their needs, they know the interview is the time appointed to report on their duties. I can usually slip in a few well placed suggestions or, better yet, help them discover such input for themselves. They can learn to manage their own behaviors and expectations with increasing independence.
In our family, interviews are a time where children can show me their notebooks and report on their jobs and their studies. I try to make this time feel special, like date time. We can set the pattern of authoritative parenting from a young age. Authoritative parenting, where children and parents work together to set expectations and goals, has been proven to be the most effective parenting style. I have found my children respond best to this approach as well.
My small children tend to do best with daily interviews. A mere 10 minutes and the children skips off with glee. Sometimes. Those are so rewarding. We aim to be generous in our praise here. Children usually appreciate having a checklist and/or a form outlining the expectations we’ve set together. This can reduce the amount of reminders I need to personally give. When they know I am going to consistently ask to see their checklist and notebook, they are more likely to remember to use it themselves. If they forget to do either, we just fill it out together. This is also the time when I pay them for any exceptional chores (we don’t pay kids for doing their regular chores) they have done for me or a neighbor.
While children of all ages might love that daily one-on-one, sometimes interviews have to be less frequent. Older children usually enjoy having time to report and receive mentorship at least weekly. Sometimes teens prefer a less frequent interview, but we still keep it at least weekly. My adult children don’t have a set schedule, but we like to chat daily. I can tell when they are moving into interview mode, because they have usually set an informal agenda. I have a google doc for each child, and usually an additional one for each college child specifically to track their course plans.
Although we like to schedule interviews into our daily and weekly schedules, sometimes our most valuable interviews happen spontaneously, like when we are driving to an appointment together, or on a walk. Meeting children where they are can be part of the process and helps us meet their needs better.
The privilege of helping children with their life goals is a sacred trust. I love interview time with my children. It’s a special time to see how they are growing and a time to focus on their needs away from the sweep of everyday life. Of all of our family toolbox tools, this one is probably my favorite.