From what I have seen, transforming experience into character isn’t simply a matter of waiting it out. One must actively engage in the learning process and embrace who we are. Approaching some of the challenges of being a foreigner with the goal of using the situation to help us develop our sense of self has been invaluable. The goal isn’t to isolate so we fit in neither the American nor the German worlds, but that we are comfortable in both, and at the same time relying on a source of our identity and sense of self-worth independent of either. This same approach applies to every culture, no matter how similar or dissimilar it is from who we are.
The most important thing we can do to help our children develop this is to model it, to live this as parents. My favorite thing that I’ve learned through my experience as an educational designer in the home is that the greatest gift parents can give their children is themselves, just as they are. Parents who know they aren’t perfect, do their best, and share a cheerful hope that their children will be just a little better than they are give their children a solid foundation to build on in their own journey in knowing deeply who they are themselves. You are what your kids need more than anything else in this world. Self acceptance in our roles as parents and our place in the world both help our kids develop it in themselves. This self acceptance is key to a strong self of self.
Modeling self acceptance puts us in a prime position to mentor our children in their own self-acceptance. We can guide our children in the kind of discussion and self-talk that helps them see themselves as valuable as they are, see others as valuable as they are. Even our flaws, differences, and trials can be sources of learning and connection. These are things we come across every day and certainly don’t require an across-the-world move.
Here are 5 at-home activities that research had shown that we as parents can do to help our children develop self-concept clarity:
1. Read aloud and discuss books as a family
Asking questions, such as, “What do you think” about how characters respond to different situations. This allows us to step away from an environment and look at things clearly. Sometimes areas of development are just too close and emotionally charged to talk about openly. Books can be extremely useful case studies. We select books for their uplifting qualities, but reading with the intention of developing a sense of who we are makes conflict and poor examples a learning experience. Relating it back to how we should respond deepens the message. When we’re in a situation in real life, it can be hard to respond well, but going through scenarios before our kids encounter them in real life helps them make better choices. This can also help us define our personal and family values, further solidifying our knowledge of who we are.
2. Journaling
Journaling helps us become more aware of our thoughts and actions, allowing us to better align our actions to our beliefs. Research indicates that individuals who regularly reflect on their thoughts and experiences develop a more coherent and confident sense of self. Expressing gratitude in our journaling can be a powerful focus. We encourage our children to write in a journal on a daily basis as part of their goals, which brings us to our next activity:
3. Goal Interviews
We meet with our kids on a regular basis to help them make physical, intellectual, spiritual, and service goals. Aligning personal goals with values helps kids reflect their authentic selves. Goal-setting also fosters a sense of purpose and direction, helping them to see themselves as someone who is moving towards who they want to be.
4. Make our homes a limited-technology sanctuary
Even as we seek to create additional sources of interaction for our children, we need to reign in and be intentional with this interaction. This means being selective with how we use technology. It can be hard to set limits, but reducing exposure to external influences, such as social media or societal expectations, helps us focus on being our authentic selves. Life is hard! We can make our homes a place where it’s just a little more ok to be who we really are. Studies show that when our lives are not filled with the social comparison and external validation of social media, we can develop higher self-concept clarity. When setting limits, it helps older children if they can be part of the decision-making process.
5. The Family Narrative
Another tool our families can use is the family narrative. This includes the books that are written about our ancestors, our family scrapbooks, and photo books, physical or digital. It also includes the stories that may or may not be written that we talk about often. All of this makes up the story of our family. Research has shown that late adolescent university students who have a knowledge of the stories of their parents, grandparents, and great grandparents and beyond have greater self-concept clarity. Research in identity development emphasizes the need for individuals to explore and make commitments to roles and ideals while negotiating the balance between autonomy and relatedness within the family, peer, and other social relationships. As we learn about our ancestors, we see patterns of life, of marriage, of children, patterns to emulate, and patterns to avoid. We are more resilient in the face of trials when we are familiar with the challenges our own ancestors faced.
These activities have been part of our at-home education since the beginning and it has given me such confidence as a mother to know that I am doing my part to help cultivate in my children a deep sense of who they are. Since the experience I shared in part one of this post, my 16yo is now 18 and moved to the states for college, my Tahitian missionary returned home after 18 months, and my oldest daughter graduated college, got married, and had her first child. I’m a grandma! Although I still worry about how my children will adjust to adult life, I feel a deep sense of peace that all will be well. We talk on the phone (sometimes for hours!) every day, and I love the shared meaning of family identity we continue to create with our adult children. The story continues to evolve in beautiful ways. The Lord is so good to us!
How have you incorporated these strategies for developing a deep sense of self in your everyday family life?
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